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Writer's pictureTattoo Magazine

(SPRING 2021) Learning to Fall | Rowan Wasserman

Updated: Jan 20, 2022


I decided I would fly. I wanted to watch the world from above, seek for the edges of the horizons and float

among the clouds. Seeing the birds, the bugs, the sky, it was so beautiful and I was so drawn to it.

I flew one day. Not by myself, of course, but with help. We took off, I watched, I learned. The fear I felt at

the start, I thought it would go away, but it never did. I gripped at the nothingness around me and felt

myself in free fall. When we landed safely, I told myself it was fun. Exhilarating, that’s the world. I still want

to fly. Of course I do.

I enrolled in flight classes. My parents were overjoyed with me “She knows what she wants to do, and at

such a young age! What a mature, intelligent child we’ve raised!” I was so happy to make them proud, so

I plowed forward. The classes were hard, harder than anything I’d ever known. But I was glad, at the end

of the day, knowing that I was the pride of my parents and a marvel to those around me. I know who I am!

I am the wings on the horizon... I am everything I want to be.

I flew. Flying, it never stopped terrifying me. It was only ever practice, but still I hated the loss of control.

Whipped around at the mercy of the wind, it was awful. I needed control. I needed to be on the ground

again.

I grounded myself. I still had my knowledge of the sky and the people around me wondered when I would

ascend once more. Only I knew that I would never return to the sky. I’m afraid of heights.

I confessed. I told my parents that I didn’t want to fly anymore. They didn’t understand, I knew they

wouldn’t. “But you love flying! You’ve been doing it for so long! That’s who you are!” They didn’t get it,

they were disappointed, but at least they knew. At least I would never have to fly again.

I started to fall. Telling everyone I would never fly again, no one knew what to make of it. I was known to

fly, I was the birds, the bugs, the sky. My identity was stripped away, leaving behind... me. I must have

been someone before I learned to fly, right? I was smart, funny, kind, I was so many things... So why am I

now nothing.

I am learning. Telling people I don’t fly anymore, it got easier. Facing the disappointment, the criticism, it

gets a little bit easier. I don’t know who I am now, but I will find myself, I’m sure of it. I won’t fly, but

someday I will find myself again. I will skate, I will drive, I will run and run and run, chasing the horizon. I

will watch the birds and the bugs and the sky, I will admire it from this great distance, I will learn to fall.

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